Jokes, Time for a laugh.

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Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby 1 2many » Wed Apr 15, 2015 9:09 pm

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken.
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Re: Jokes, what have you got?

Postby Fishboy » Wed Apr 15, 2015 9:17 pm

Jokes!
Yay!

Little Johnny is down the back of the classroom when the teacher is taking vocabulary lessons.
Each child is given a word, that they are expected to discover the meaning of, and return the following day to use it in a sentence.
 
Miss Lovejoy says to Johnny “ Johnny, your word is Contagious”
So Johnny goes home and asks mum to help,  comes back to school the next day and is as keen as mustard to use his word in a sentence.
 
It gets to his turn and Miss Lovejoy says “now Jhonny.  Use contagious in a sentence”
 
Jhonny stands up and says “ Dad’s painting the outside of the house at the moment, but Mum said “Coz he’s only using a 2” brush it’s gunna take the contagious to finish the bloody job!”
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby 1 2many » Wed Apr 15, 2015 9:28 pm

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Fishboy » Wed Apr 15, 2015 9:47 pm

A blonde a brunette and a redhead climb into the lift at the start of their working day.

The door slides closed, and the brunette spies this little puddle in the corner of the lift.....
She looks at it and says: Oh My God! That's not what I think it is is it???

The redhead reaches over tentatively with the tip of her shoe tests the puddle for consistency..

She looks up and says: Yeah I think it is.....

The Blonde bends down, scoops some up on her finger and tastes it...


Then she says:
It's nobody from my floor......
8-}
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Geeps » Thu Apr 16, 2015 2:26 pm

Women v Men Thinking.

WOMEN -

Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.

And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...

MEN -

Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.


And you?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f *cking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby gad » Thu Apr 16, 2015 5:26 pm

For the Golfers ......

The Golfing Nun

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior ..
'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green ....
and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down thefairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby 1 2many » Thu Apr 16, 2015 5:37 pm

That was painful gad... :teasing-neener:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Bryan1 » Thu Apr 16, 2015 8:01 pm

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby 1 2many » Thu Apr 16, 2015 8:04 pm

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Muppet » Thu Apr 16, 2015 8:22 pm

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Sam. » Thu Apr 16, 2015 8:59 pm

What smells funny?



Clown Shit
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby 1 2many » Fri Apr 17, 2015 9:04 pm

Police: where do u live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where does ur parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do u all live?
Me: together
Police: where is ur house?
Me: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me
Me: next to my house
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Sam. » Fri Apr 17, 2015 9:10 pm

How do you get 100 fat cows in a shed?

Put a bingo sign out the front.
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Sat Apr 18, 2015 12:42 pm

After a heavy night drinking at the pub the husband wakes up in bed, expecting the worst. As he opens his eyes he sees a note beside the bed:
"To my dearest husband, here are two panadol and a glass of water, I have made your favourite breakfast and have just popped out to get you the paper. Your loving wife"
Confused the husband gets dressed and heads down stairs. On his way down the cat sees him, shrieks and bolts out the door, the coffee table is knocked over and broken and so is the vase from their wedding.
"What the heck going on?" He wonders.
Sure enough his breakfast is there on the bench and and his wife has returned with the paper. With only a kiss and without a word she lets him eat his breakfast and read the paper in peace.
Now he knows the worlds gone mad, this shouldn't be happening, so cautiously he asks the wife what happened last night?
"Well, you came home at 3am singing and carrying on down the street, waking everyone in the neighbourhood, you then pissed on my rose bushes and half the yard. It took you 15 mins to try to unlock the front door, making all sorts of a racket. Once you did get inside you stood on the cat knocked over the coffee table and our vase, stumbled upstairs and fell into bed fully clothed and stinking of ciggerates."
"Ok, but why are you not angry with me?" Asked the husband
To which she replied "I couldn't leave you in those clothes smelling like that, but when I went to take your pants off you pushed me away and said "fuck off bitch I'm married"
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby MacStill » Sat Apr 18, 2015 2:11 pm

Thats a ripper WJ, I just had to share it :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby gad » Sun Apr 19, 2015 11:20 am

A MUST READ!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Geeps » Sun Apr 19, 2015 2:15 pm

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:

Don't know what is more stupid.
Tazing yourself or giving one to the misses to tazer you as often as she likes.
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Bryan1 » Fri Apr 24, 2015 7:13 am

So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty .22 rifle.

After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone.

A moment later he feels a tap on his shoulder, and it's the bear. The bear taps him on the shoulder and says, “Mate, no one shoots at me and gets away with it. You've got two choices: I can either rip your throat out and eat you still alive and screaming, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll do you.”

The hunter figures that anything's better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise.

After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge.

He buys a .458 Win Mag elephant gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, it appears behind him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “You know what to do.”

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers and walks very bowlegged back into town. Now he’s really mad, so he goes to the big city, finds a really good army surplus store, and buys himself a Stinger missile and launcher.

He returns to the forest, spends the whole day searching every clearing he can get to, and finally, there's the bear! He takes aim, thumbs back the safety cover, and lets fly. Success! There's a whoosh! and then the clearing just sort of explodes outwards. When the smoke clears this time, the bear is nowhere to be seen. Nothing, not even a scrap of fur.

Next thing he feels the bear tap him on the shoulder and it says, “Maaaaate... You’re not really here for the hunting are you?”
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby woodduck » Fri Apr 24, 2015 8:58 am

After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang

He says "Harro! Take off all your croase, get down &
craw reery reery fast to otherside room"
She does,
"Ok, craw reery reery fast back"

As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Your probrem vewy vewy bad,

worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why you get no man''

She says "Oh My God - whats Ed Zachary disease? 

Dr says "Its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse''.

 
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby gad » Fri Apr 24, 2015 5:39 pm

I watched a documentary about asian prostitutes in England last night and I can only think that the Poms would probably find her very attractive lol
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