Jokes, Time for a laugh.

[RuddyCrazy]

went and saw my grandfather last night and after a few drams he told about this story from when he was in WW2.
He was about 50 metres away from the trench and manged to limp back to the trench with a stiff leg and blood all over his hands and body, when he got back down the trench his mates asked where he had been where he told them about 50 metres that way pointing and he just had the greatest sex in his life. Doggy style and all the positions were there for the taking and he said he had a great time.

One guy asked well mate did you get a headjob ???????

where my grandfather said what head there wasn't one.......

[RuddyCrazy]

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger says to Stevie:
"How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies: "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that corrected, now."
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger, "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie: "Well I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Well, actually, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that...$10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie: "Pick a night.".

[The Stig]

Why Some Men Have A Dog And No Wife:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
And last, but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open it and see who's happy to see you

[Wellsy]

I am Away from home this weekend so someone else will have to test the theory. Would be a very interesting experiment lol

[The Stig]

02080490090 have just cold called me. They wanted to talk to me about my recent car accident, was I hurt they asked ?
Yes I said. I got a lot of sympathy and then I was passed to another handler. They took down all my details etc (all false) and then asked about the accident.
I told them how my car was crushed between 2 Tesco lorries, how the fire fighters cut me out and the paramedics kept me alive while all this was going on. The blue light special to James Cook hospital in Middlesbrough I was too injured to fly.
They asked how serious my injuries were, all the while they were hearing the cash registers ringing. I then gravely told them how I lost my legs. Kerching! Tescos were going to get screwed.
I was then asked if there were any complications. I explained I died a few days later and my funeral is next Thursday.
Apparently now I'm the time wasting asshole............ :teasing-neener: :laughing-rolling: :happy-partydance: :music-deathmetal:

[Wellsy]

I love messing with those clowns.

I usually end with “oh you will need to get my wife to agree to this as I can sign up for anything while I am still in bankruptcy “ they all loose interest after that

[The Stig]

A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[harold01]

Two nuns ride there bikes to the farmers market three kilometers away every Saturday to buy weekly groceries, on the way back one nun says to the other, should we ride home down this alley way and a quick reply why not, when they got back one said Gee I have never come that way before and the other nun says me neither, it must of been the cobble stones.

[The Stig]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[The Stig]

A few weeks ago, my mother-in-law started reading "The Exorcist." She said it was the most evil book she had ever read. So evil in fact, that she couldn't finish it.
She took it and threw it off the cliffs and saw it splash into the ocean, all while holding her rosary beads.
I went to Big W and bought another copy, dropped it into the fish tank at work and left it for a day. Then I put it on her bedside table as she slept.
I tell you what, those screams were evil... so evil

[The Stig]

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues cheered.

[The Stig]

For those who really know me:

I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went:
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in Pakistan? How's the weather there today?"
" No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......"
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you -"
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".
"You don't?"
"I don't".
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one".
"Ipad?"
"Nope".
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".
After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.

[RuddyCrazy]

I will never get the hang of gardening.
Steak is beef, but beefsteak is tomato. And garden stakes hold plants up. Corn has ears. Potatoes have eyes. Beanstalk. Summer squashes but winter peas.
Good gourd! It makes me want to wet my plants and soil myself!

[iOnaBender]

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner, who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."

The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my way to find a job."

The owner asks, "What do you do?"

The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."

The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking for someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me if you're interested."

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"

The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians F@#king Their Brains Out."

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name for such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers, "I F@#ked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "OK, you play beautifully and the songs you have written are incredible. I will hire you, but you have to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed as the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing two songs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased and stood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it was apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.

One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and balls are hanging out?"

The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I FUKKEN' WROTE IT!"

Cheers

[RuddyCrazy]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange postcard today.'
'Oh, just give it to me, and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti,
Two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce.

[RC Al]

Police are withholding the name of a man who fell from a balcony at a local nightclub, in thier statement they confirmed he wasn't a bouncer

[RuddyCrazy]

BAD little Johnny:
Little Johnny Came Down For Breakfast One Morning And Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mum And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They’re Up In Bed”
So Little Johnny Started To Giggle And Ate His Breakfast And Went Out To Play.
Then He Came Back In For Lunch And Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mum And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”
And Little Johnny Started To Giggle And He Ate His Lunch And Went Out To Play.
Then Little Johnny Came In For Dinner And Once Again He Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mum And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”
And Little Johnny Started To Laugh And His Grandmother Asked.
Grandmother: “What Give’s? Every Time I Tell You They’re Still Up In Bed You Start To Laugh! What Is Going On Here? ”
Little Johnny Replied: “Well Last Night Daddy Came Into My Bedroom And Asked Me For The Vaseline And I Gave Him Super Glue Instead.“