Jokes, Time for a laugh.

[gad]

For those in NSW under lockdown .....................

https://www.facebook.com/paul.taylor.794/posts/10158027923752132

So Funny

[EziTasting]

:laughing-rolling:

[Wellsy]

No matter how many times you watch it it just does not grow old :-D

Having said that our thoughts go out to our NSW members as with the death numbers where they are it is only a matter of time before someone here knows a person who passes away. Vic seem to be chasing the record they held for so long so hang in there guys and understand we are laughing about the cleverness of the person doing the editing, not the tragedy that is unfolding in the lives of people

[bluc]

wow just wow.... the government is 4th reich? really ?? So much anguish becuase you have to toe the line and isolate? More like entitled spoilt little brat general population...How dare the government try stop deaths...then again covids not real....but on the other hand the 4,500,000 worldwide that have died from it might think differently and thats official numbers from first world country. We will never know real figure from countries like india or indonesia....

lots things in this life are funny this aint one of em.

we are coping flak in qld due to hard borders.
whos smarter, do whatever the f#$% you like in nsw\vic and spread the shit to thousands or be a hard nose like qld wa tas nt and enjoy no masks and next to zero cases...

[LikkerSheWillLoveIt]

Unfortunately I got stood down from my new job last week because of this strict NSW QLD border. I cant cross the QLD border to go to the shop at Currumbin, 8km away from my home. At least I’ve got the still, the veggie garden, chooks, and endless tasks from the Mrs to keep me busy. If they keep this border closed until Christmas (which is being spoken about), I’ll be looking at selling my house and moving bush.

[Amberale]

wow just wow.... the government is 4th reich? really ?? So much anguish becuase you have to toe the line and isolate? More like entitled spoilt little brat general population...How dare the government try stop deaths...then again covids not real....but on the other hand the 4,500,000 worldwide that have died from it might think differently and thats official numbers from first world country. We will never know real figure from countries like india or indonesia....

lots things in this life are funny this aint one of em.

we are coping flak in qld due to hard borders.
whos smarter, do whatever the f#$% you like in nsw\vic and spread the shit to thousands or be a hard nose like qld wa tas nt and enjoy no masks and next to zero cases...

With respect to the reason for this thread.
There are a few thousand fwits in Vic and NSW who are “expressing their rights”, the vast majority are doing the right thing and obeying the rules.
That is all it takes, a few FB twits and it’s off and running
.

[The Stig]

A Hillbilly gets married,and on his wedding night he calls his father for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before.
"We're in the bedroom pa what do we do now?".
Thinking that nature would take its course the father said"take her clothes off and then you both get into bed".
The Hillbilly calls his dad five minutes later she's nekid and we're in bed what do I do now?".
Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box,his dad asks"did you take your clothes off too?".
"No" his son replies
"Well take off your clothes and get into bed with her ".
The son calls back a few minutes later and says "we're both nekid and in bed what do we do now?".
The fathers patience is quickly running out and he growls"just stick the hardest thing on your body where she pee's!".
The son calls back a minute later"okay pa I've got my head in the toilet bowl now what ?"........

[RuddyCrazy]

LOL Stig that sounds like an average Banana bender :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:

[warramungas]

While on hillbillies.

Pa sits down with his son and says "I heard you done called off the wedding with Marylou boy . Shes a good gurl so wydya wanna do sumptin like that fer?"
Son replies "Well paw, we was messing around and i got to feelin in Marylous pants and discovered she were a virgin."
"Quite right too son!" Pa exclaims. "If she aint good enough fer her family, she aint good enough fer ours!"

[bluc]

Screenshot_2021-09-30-09-16-01-28_40deb401b9ffe8e1df2f1cc5ba480b12.jpg

[The Stig]

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
Everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, hercredit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please..' The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00,but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the BearRepellent is $3.50

[The Stig]

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..
Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell my big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[EziTasting]

:laughing-rolling: always loved that story!

[Yonder]

Damn me, that’s a good ‘un! :))

[The Stig]

Twin sisters in a Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well..
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS! "
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US?.

[The Stig]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

[The Stig]

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer:

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend..... :-B

[1 2many]

That was a pisser Stig . :laughing-rolling:

[The Stig]

A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin.
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde woman standing waist deep in the murky water, a shotgun in her hand
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river.
Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto it's back - Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.........
" SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!

[The Stig]

83 year old George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garage , which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the garage stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is your garage detached from your house” and he said yes.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply go back into his house , lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my garage. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes 6 police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, and an ambulance showed up at
George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”