Jokes, Time for a laugh.

[MacStill]

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian....

" The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

[Whiskyaugogo]

LOL Mac!! While on the blonde jokes;

A blonde was speeding in a 50 kilometre per hour residential zone when a local police car pulled her over.
The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde.
She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a smartass!, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

[1 2many]

After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang

He says "Harro! Take off all your croase, get down &
craw reery reery fast to otherside room"
She does,
"Ok, craw reery reery fast back"

As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Your probrem vewy vewy bad,

worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why you get no man''

She says "Oh My God - whats Ed Zachary disease? 

Dr says "Its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse''.

 

:text-+1: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: Shared. :handgestures-thumbupleft:

[dogbreath vodka]

Tom goes to the doctor and says
" I've got this really weird problem Doc -
Whenever I fart the noise it makes sounds just like the word "Honda"

So the doc says "Stop wasting my time"
Just then Tom lets one rip..... ."HHH-Honda"

"Wow" says the doc holding his nose.
"Never heard of such a thing"
"We do have a new specialist in the building Mr Woo perhaps he can help."

Tom goes to Mr Woo and explains and farts.

Mr Woo says "Open your mouth"
"Arrrrhhh just as I thought - you no need a doctor you need a dentist."

"A dentist?" says Tom . . . "Why?"

Mr Woo says
"You never hear old proverb?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Abscess makes the fart go Honda"

[Teddysad]

I was down at my local a few days ago.
A really gorgeous brunette came in wearing a pair of jeans so tight they may well have been painted on.
At one stage during the evening we were both alongside each other at the bar and got chatting.

I indicated her tight jeans and asked her " How the hell do you get into those?"

She replied "Well a good start would be you buying me a double Vodka!"

[Peregian]

Sunbathing......................

A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally
deserted beach at Ft. Myers.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had
walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a
book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned
back to his book.


"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is
very lonely," she countered.
"Do you live around here?" She asked.

Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed
reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like
pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off
her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How
did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?

[kimbodious]

A five word summation of a quickie:
That won't hurt did it?

[Sam.]

Old MacDonald had tourettes
E-I-E-I Fuck!

[kimbodious]

Review: Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . ., 30 July 2012
http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R3GDDEL1SC1QQ5/ref=cm_cr_pr_perm/?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B000KKNQBK

[RuddyCrazy]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Redux]

ive decided to open a lionel ritchie themed muslim butchers....

im going to call it 'halal is it meat your looking for?"

thanks bill bailey!!

[Woodsy71]

One for those with younger kids.

"How do you get a Pikachu on to a bus ??"

"You Pokemon!"

It's the perfect ice breaker with kids :text-lol:

[RuddyCrazy]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[jacobraven]

Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting .
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed"

[Geeps]

A man goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter addressed to 'Mum and Dad' on the bed.

With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:

Dear Mum & Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend.
I've found real love and he is so nice, especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle.
But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the forest.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too.
I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and Ahmed's friends.
They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.
In the meantime we'll pray to Allah for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better.
He deserves it.
Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal
make in their basement. Apparently I can earn $200 per scene. I get a $200 bonus if there are more
than three men in the scene.
Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself.
Someday we'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Sandra

P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at the neighbours.
I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than NSW losing the Origin series.

[rumdidlydum]

:text-+1: :laughing-rolling: :))

[bayshine]

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:

[1 2many]

Shared :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:

[Doubleuj]

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: this get us all in trouble

[RuddyCrazy]

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.