Jokes, Time for a laugh.

[Teddysad]

Warning. Don’t wear a red shirt when shopping at Bunnings


Long story short, I am now covering Tracey’s shift next Friday

[Teddysad]

Now is the time for Lewis Hamilton to learn more 80’s music


Pass the Dutchie on the left hand side.

[Teddysad]

As a sign of respect, the missus is wearing her Meatloaf knickers

On the front it says. “I will do anything for love “

On the back it says “But I won’t do that”

[bluc]

:laughing-rolling:

[RuddyCrazy]

An old cowboy walks into the Barber for a shave.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers shaved because of all the wrinkles in his face

So the barber grabs a ball from a jar on the shelf and tells the cowboy to put that ball inside his cheek to spread out the skin

When he is finished he tells the barber well thats the cleanest shave I had in years but wanted to know what would of happened if he swallowed the ball

The barber replied just bring the ball back after a couple of days like everyone else

[Wellsy]

Just goes to show some days you are just better off not knowing lol

[RuddyCrazy]

A surgeon is getting sick of his job so decides to quit and try to be a mechanic so off he goes and asks the first mechanics shop can he have a start.

So the boss says OK see that car over there take the motor out and totally strip the engine and rebuild it with new parts.

The next day the boss comes out and says mate if you want a job it's yours and you got 150% for that engine job.

confused the surgeon asks why 150%

The boss says well it's 50% for taking the engine out and stripping it

50% for rebuilding the engine and it starting on the first kick

Now this is the first time I've seen this job done where everything was done via the exhaust pipe

[The Stig]

So was the surgeon actually a gynecologist ?

[howard]

So was the surgeon actually a gynecologist ?

lol that's what i was thinking.
alternatively, he could have started a job as a painter and decorator.

but i just remembered that you don't have letter boxes in the front door over here.

[The Stig]

you don't have letter boxes in the front door over here.

Funnily enough, we do have a slot in the door .
When we first moved into this house , we had a bunch of Turks living next door and they owned a bread factory down the road .
Every now and then one of the woman would knock on the door offering free Turkish bread wearing the full (spelling) burka .
I would tell the Mrs to open the slot and say “how do you like it?”

[The Stig]

I kid of course , they were great people , got me many parts cheap for the WRX and fed us some great food .
Shame they moved

[howard]

oldie but made me laugh again

[Yonder]

:)) laugh out loud priceless!

[The Stig]

.

[bluc]

:laughing-rolling:

[RuddyCrazy]

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on
British TV and radio:
1 Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,
where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts.'
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

[RuddyCrazy]

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter so I took my finger out then she started going down on me :scared-eek:

I really need to buy a new fucking boat was my first thought........

[RuddyCrazy]

One night in the township of Whakatane, New Zealand, a fire started inside the local Chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the Fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer Fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company General Manager rushed to the Fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire crew that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire crews had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the Firemen arrived, the President shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire crew who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire companies could not get through.
>From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another Fire Truck came into sight. It was the nearby Taneatua rural township volunteer Fire company, composed mainly of retired Maori blokes over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down Fire Engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.. Outside, the other Firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful Chemical company President announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked their Chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well," said Hohepa, the 70-year-old fire Chief,
"The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody Truck

[The Stig]

.

[bluc]

:laughing-rolling: