Jokes, Time for a laugh.

[Doubleuj]

Hey Sam, he’s calling you names :teasing-neener:

Asshole is one of the least offensive things I have been called :laughing-rolling:

:laughing-rolling: Please refer to OP 8-} love you guys

[The Stig]

An elderly man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.
“Why not?” asked the elderly man.
“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.
“But I need it really bad,” said the man.
“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.
The elderly man said,
“My girlfriend is coming to town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”
The doctor finally relented saying,
“Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”
On Monday, the elderly man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
The doctor asked,
“What happened to you?”
The elderly man said,
“No one showed up.”

[The Stig]

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going? :laughing-rolling:

[The Stig]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep". :laughing-rolling:

[bluc]

Lmfao

[Tesla101]

One of ya best Stig, jog it in mate :D

[The Stig]

A Mom and Her Daughter ... :
A mom and her daughter were taking a cab across town. On the way, they drove by a couple of ladies of the night, standing on a corner, provocatively dressed and looking for business. The inquisitive little girl asked, “Mom, what are those ladies doing there?” The mom replied, “They’re waiting for a bus.” The cab driver interjected, “Lady, tell her the truth. She looks old enough to me.” The little girl glared at her mom and said, “I AM eight years old now.” So the mother, exasperated, replied to the little girl, “Well, you know how you learned about how babies are made? Those ladies are paid money by the men and try to make a baby with them.” The little girl thought about this for a moment, and then replied, “What happens to all those babies?” Without missing a beat, the mother said loudly, “They grow up to be cab drivers.”

[The Stig]

A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him: : "Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all twisted and wound up like a spring and he can't even tell which way his head's on, and he realizes he's in the Mad Monk Hold.Then he sees a familiar bulge hanging down just in front of his face, and he's pretty desperate, so he takes a deep breath and bites down as hard as he can.Moments later there is a wild scream and the Mad Monk is flying out of the ring, and he lands in the fourth row of seats with a godawful crash, and before he manages to pick himself up and scramble back into the ring, he's been counted out.And our boy staggers back to his corner after the referee has held his arm up, and the manager says "What happened? How did you manage it? No-one's ever gotten out of the Mad Monk Hold!"And the wrestler says, "well, it's amazing the strength you find when you bite your own ballsack."

[Tesla101]

This a true story, not really a joke, but funny as...

I was at my Serbian neighbour's house for his birthday party the other night. Towards the end of the night after we'd all had a few, he starts to bring out some of his birthday presents - which all happened to be some form of alcohol - scotch, bourbon, plum brandy, some of my homemade gin, etc.

Now, my neighbour knows I distill. He's also a lot of fun to wind up and take the piss out of. He brings out a bottle one of Serbia's finest "grappa" and shows it to me, all the while telling me how good it is. It's a clear spirit in a very nice bottle, with a very nice label. On that label it says "Product of Serbia. 50% alc/vol"

I said to him "Mate, you've been ripped off! You've been given half a bottle of water. It's only 50% alcohol, the other half is water." He immediately fires up "No, no bloody water in this, this is grappa. I watch them make it - they get the grape. They put it in big container, then after a while they cook it in big pot and then they cook it again so you get the grappa. They no add no bloody water!" He's dead serious. I'm pissing myself :laughing-rolling:

So I said to him "Oh right. I understand. But if it's only 50% alcohol, what's the other 50% then?"

He thinks about it for a few seconds and says "It's NOTHING. But I tell you, they no add the bloody water"

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:

[RuddyCrazy]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

[hgwells]

9256D30E-7E28-4885-8B79-05BC54632FC4.jpeg

[Bundaboy]

Could this be used as a base for brown spirits?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-mWK_kcZMs
:laughing-rolling:

[bluc]

Why hasnt santa got any kids? Cause he only cums once a year and always down your chimney..

[The Stig]

So I was at the Woolworths earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping trolley . With an attitude she asked me, what type of dog Do I own. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog. She said Butt Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find any toilet paper at coles or woollies because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.I swiped my everyday rewards card paid for my purchases and off I went.

[hgwells]

An Irishman walked out of a bar..........

[hgwells]

What’s the difference between Fat and Cholesterol?

You can’t wake up in the morning with half a Cholesterol.

[BigRig]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged

[wynnum1]

Job interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
“Honesty.”
“I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think.”

[Sam.]

Job interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
“Honesty.”
“I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think.”

Good one :laughing-rolling:

[The Stig]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. : The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair. no matter how big they are.