Jokes, Time for a laugh.

[WTDist]

good one 12 :laughing-rolling:

[WTDist]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "if I'm going to die I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing ans asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

[Darwin award]

So I'd just loaded up the Tojo with my bi-weekly supply of sugar when I remembered the missus told me to get dog food...dutifully I went back in and got 2 x 20 kg bags of that dry biscuit stuff..standing in line at those self serve thingamies, a chick behind me asked, oh, have you got a dog? i Imediatetly replied, no, actually I'm trying a new fad diet, as dog food has all the vitamins and minerals a person needs to survive, but it's also high in protein, kinda the Atkins diet on a budget. By this time other bystanders started listening in too and She was quite surprised and interested and asked how it was going, I replied that I was only just starting it up again, as last time I tried it I wound up in hospital.....she said, but I thought you told me it was safe, I replied, oh it wasn't a dietary problem, it was the car that hit me whilst I was in the middle of the road licking my balls....

[Doubleuj]

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: that's something I'd do 12!! Gold.
And Darwin, thank you, heard that one years ago but couldn't remember it :happy-partydance: even tried google :laughing-rolling: love it
WTD reminds me of another blonde on a plane...

Midway through a flight to Sydney a blonde got out of her economy seat and went and sat in a vacant first class seat.
Try as they might the flight attendants couldn't get her to return to her proper seat.
Eventually the captain heard of the problem and came to help
He walked up to the blonde and whispered something in her ear. Immediately, she got up and returned to economy.
Baffled, the flight attendants had to ask what he said to convince her.



He said "it's simple, I just told her first class wasn't landing at Sydney"

[warramungas]

While on dogs....

Two drunks stagger out of a bar to see one of the local stray dogs on the steps licking its balls.
One drunk says "I wish I could do that."
The other says "Offer him a biscuit and he might let ya".

[warramungas]

One more.
The flight crew had just finished post take off announcements and were settling into a long haul flight but had forgotten to turn the mike off.
Over the speaker came "You know what Frank? When we get to new York I'm gunna grab an ice cold beer and then I'm going to take that new blonde stewardess that just got hired back to my hotel room and smash her until she can't walk straight."
The poor young stewardess turns bright red and runs toward the front of the plane to tell them about the speaker being on and trips a** up on the way.
A little old lady leans down and says "No need to hurry love. He said he was going to get a beer first".

[maddogpearse]

What's the difference between a really dirty bus shelter and a lobster with large breasts?
One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.

[Darwin award]

What has a chubby blonde got in common with a motor scooter? They're both fun to ride till your mates see you....

[tipsy]

"You've rung triple 0, how can I help you?" asked the emergency centre call taker.

Caller: "Help! My wife has collapsed on our lawn and I can't wake her."

000: "What is your address please?"

Caller: "27 Eucalyptus Drive. Please Hurry!"

000: Can you please spell your street name?"

Along pause.

000: "I repeat, please spell the name of your street?"

Caller: "Just a moment and I'll drag her around to Elm St!"

[RuddyCrazy]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married. And I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name's actually Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

[rumsponge]

:laughing-rolling: great !

[bayshine]

a husband waits nervously outside the Labour ward when midwife comes running out
well says the husband?
lve got good news and bad news!
give us the bad news then he says
you have had a ranga daughter
not so bad he thinks, whats the good news he asks?

its dead..

[WalterWhite]

Not a joke but watching Stone Cold trying fancy cocktails is good for a chuckle :laughing-rolling:

http://youtu.be/yDBFv01TYTY

[Undertaker]

Looks like he drank a few more off camera than what you see him swallow on camera. :obscene-drinkingdrunk:

Cheers Phil

[MacStill]

Screen Shot 2016-02-22 at 5.52.35 pm.png

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:

[Magnus]

image.jpeg

[warramungas]

An obstetrician decides he wants a change of pace with work so decides to become a mechanic. He works hard and does really well in his apprenticeship.
During the final exam with a bunch of other apprentices he has to do a mechanical service and a few other odd jobs on a vehicle which he does well.
When he get the examiners paper back he see's A++ with a 'most impressed' written across the top.
He asks the examiner "Why did you mark me so highly? There's guys here who did just as good a job faster than me that weren't marked anywhere near as high as this."
The examiner said "Yes, but you're the only mechanic I've ever seen change sparkplugs through the exhaust pipe."

[WTDist]

thats a good one

[wynnum1]

My wife said: "Please go to the store and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados , get six." I came back with 6 cartons of milk She said, "why in the hell did you buy six cartons of milk"

"They had avocados "

[warramungas]

A doctor goes to a remote south Island farm to deliver a farmers baby. He finds the room is very dark and asks the farmer to turn the light on.
"We don't have any of that newfangled electricity out here," the farmer says, "but I rigged this bike up to some lights."
The farmer starts to peddle and the lights do indeed come on in the room.
The doctor delivers a baby boy and the farmer goes to stop peddling. "Wait wait wait," says the doctor "I think there's another."
The farmer continues to peddle and the doctor delivers another baby. The farmer goes to stop peddling and the doctor again says, "wait wait wait. I think there's another."
At this point the farmer leaps off the bike.
The doctor cries "What are you doing?"
To which the farmer replies "That'll be enough of that. I think the lights attracting them."