Jokes, Time for a laugh.

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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby aussiebrewer » Fri Oct 28, 2016 9:56 am

wynnum1 wrote:
warramungas wrote:
Undertaker wrote:Sorry Brian but I have to call BS on this one........
Bryan1 wrote:INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.

No lawyer worth his salt would have paperwork completed in an hour......... :teasing-neener:

Cheers Phil


Depends how much cash you give him. :))

Have been told about how crab juice was placed in a lawyers office carpet.

should have done that to mine :violence-smack: :laughing-rolling:

but yes even at $500 an hour they are quite slow at paperwork and get it wrong, even when they are a team of 5 :angry-banghead:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby aussiebrewer » Fri Oct 28, 2016 9:57 am

After landing my new job as a Bunnings “Greeter” – a goodfind for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store with her two kids,yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
“Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
I then said,”Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
“No, they ain’t effin twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7, why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?”

I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone shagged you twice…. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby warramungas » Fri Oct 28, 2016 11:24 pm

aussiebrewer wrote:
wynnum1 wrote:
warramungas wrote:
Undertaker wrote:Sorry Brian but I have to call BS on this one........
Bryan1 wrote:INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.

No lawyer worth his salt would have paperwork completed in an hour......... :teasing-neener:

Cheers Phil


Depends how much cash you give him. :))

Have been told about how crab juice was placed in a lawyers office carpet.

should have done that to mine :violence-smack: :laughing-rolling:

but yes even at $500 an hour they are quite slow at paperwork and get it wrong, even when they are a team of 5 :angry-banghead:


When society falls they'll be the second thing I burn. Politicians will go first. :))
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby RuddyCrazy » Fri Nov 11, 2016 9:55 pm

Not sure if this belongs in jokes but George Carlin has to go down in my book as one of the best comedians and the youtube link should give a feed to more George.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGyObuH3WTY#t=279.316553

Enjoy

P.S got influenced by home made Ouzo so getting the youtube link thingy to work well can't be fucked so copy and paste. :))
Last edited by rumdidlydum on Fri Nov 11, 2016 10:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Fixed link
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby rumdidlydum » Fri Nov 11, 2016 10:13 pm

:laughing-rolling: good bloke :O)
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby 1 2many » Fri Nov 11, 2016 10:27 pm

aussiebrewer nice :)) :)) :))
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby warramungas » Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:47 pm

Young Paddy is beside his fathers deathbed.
He motions paddy closer.
He whispers "Paddy my son. Go over to that cupboard and bring me whats inside."
Paddy walks to a small dresser and withdraws a small brown shoebox covered in dust and takes it to his father.
His father opens it and withdraws a very old bottle of whiskey. "Your great grandfather gave me this bottle of Kilbeggan whiskey not long before he passed away. He got it from his great grandfather who was one of the original workers at the distillery who was given it by one of the owners at the time. I'm too sick to drink it son so I want you to do something for me."
Paddy wipes the drool from his mouth and says "You know I'd do anything for you Da."
"I want you to pour this bottle of whiskey over my grave son."
Paddy thinks for a bit and says "Ok Da. Anything for you but is it ok if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby EziTasting » Fri Feb 17, 2017 9:09 pm

Haha very good!

My dad sent me this email:
Malcolm Turnbull called Bill Shorten into his office recently and said, ‘Bill, I have a great idea. We are going to go all out & talk to country voters.’



‘Good idea Malcolm, how will we go about it?’ said Bill.
‘Well,’ said Malcolm, ’We’ll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick & an Akubra hat.
Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we’ll really look the part.
We’ll go to a typical old outback country pub, we’ll show we really enjoy the bush.’
‘Right.’ said Bill.
Days later, all kitted out & with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a typical outback pub.
They walked in with the dog & up to the bar.
’G’day mate,’ said Malcolm to the bartender, ‘two middies of your best beer.’
‘Good afternoon Malcolm,’ said the bartender, ‘two middies of our best coming up.’
Turnbull & Shorten stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now & again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.
He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog & lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head & went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in & lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Turnbull and Shorten could stand it no longer & called the barman over.
‘Tell me,’ said Shorten, ‘why did all those old stockmen come in & look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?’
‘Strewth no,’ said the barman. ‘Someone told ’em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes.’
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Thu Mar 16, 2017 6:51 pm

This might be too much info for some, but, Donald trump has the same facial expressions I get when pushing out a big poo...

IMG_6794.JPG
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby bluc » Thu Mar 16, 2017 8:08 pm

Did you know cats can detect an earthquake 3 days before it happens? But do they tell anyone ? No because cats are atesoles!! :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby bluc » Thu Mar 16, 2017 8:26 pm

Way to much info wj :puke-huge:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby res » Fri Mar 17, 2017 1:31 am

Thought you going in another direction there dj, you're a cleaner man than I. :whistle:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby warramungas » Fri Mar 17, 2017 5:32 am

Malcolm Turnbull, a priest and a boyscout are all in an airplane when the pilot runs out and screams 'shes going down' before ripping open the door and leaping from the aircraft with a parachute.
Only being 2 more chutes left Malcolm grabs a pack and says 'this country wont function without a good set of brains behind it' and jumps out the door.
The priest looks at the boy and says "I've lived my life son. You can have the last parachute.'
The boy scout snickers and says "She'll be right father. The brains of this country just took my rucksack."
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Mon Apr 03, 2017 2:04 pm

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.....

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.

Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
:laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby warramungas » Mon Apr 03, 2017 2:09 pm

Paddy and Mick fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Mick said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Paddy said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Mick replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Paddy said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Mick replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Mick said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Paddy said 'Mick - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Mick said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby RuddyCrazy » Tue Apr 18, 2017 8:28 pm

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out five minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Fishleg » Tue Apr 18, 2017 8:43 pm

A husband and wife are cooking dinner together one evening, the wife turns to her husband and says "what's the difference between chutney and jam?" The husband thinks for a second and says.... well love, I can't chutney my cock Into your arse .........
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby RuddyCrazy » Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:40 pm

Malcolm Turnbull met with the Queen in London.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient empire? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Malcolm frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?"
David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Malcolm went back home to Australia and asked his Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce the same question. "Barnaby,
answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Barnaby. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one,
but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Tony Abbott's shoes in the next stall.
Barnaby asked, "Tony, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Tony yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Barnaby smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Malcolm.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Tony Abbott"
Malcolm got up, stomped over to Barnaby, and angrily yelled into his face, "No, you idiot! It's the English Prime Minister, David Cameron!"
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby warramungas » Sat Jul 15, 2017 11:08 pm

Punter goes for a leak at a pub and in there he sees a big black guy having a leak. He flops his out and starts peeing then glances over.
"holy shit man!" He exclaims. "That thing is a monster! What's your secret?"
The black guy turns and says in a southern drawl "Well my friend. When I was a boy I used to tie a brick to the end of my knob and let it dangle over the edge of the bed all night. This here is what I ended up with."
The guy goes off thinking he must give that a crack.
A month or two later he's having a leak in the same pub toilet when the big black guy walks in.
"Hey. Ain't you the guy I gave the secret to a huge penis to?"
"I sure am." Says the guy.
"How it going then?" The big guy asks.
"Well I've sort of got it half right." Says the punter. "Its turned black!"
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby copperhead road » Sun Jul 16, 2017 2:03 am

If she starts complaining it's to big, just reassure her you will only give her half....
THE BACK HALF.... :laughing-rolling:
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