Jokes, Time for a laugh.

[Doubleuj]

Public service announcement
Nationwide pickpocket scam

This is happening around the country at your local shopping centre, happened to me.
When I was packing the groceries in the car I was approached by two beautiful young women, a blonde and a brunette asking for a lift home, how could I refuse.
But on the journey they asked to repay me by offering a blowjob, whilst the blonde was doing the job, the brunette stole my wallet.



I lost my wallet on Wednesday, Thursday, twice on Friday.... :))

[xcvator]

Public service announcement
Nationwide pickpocket scam

This is happening around the country at your local shopping centre, happened to me.
When I was packing the groceries in the car I was approached by two beautiful young women, a blonde and a brunette asking for a lift home, how could I refuse.
But on the journey they asked to repay me by offering a blowjob, whilst the blonde was doing the job, the brunette stole my wallet.



I lost my wallet on Wednesday, Thursday, twice on Friday.... :))

So they really cleaned you out then :o :o :o

[warramungas]

I love a good joke. Got a million of them.

A man went to the doctor with terrible migraines. The doctor gave him a top to toe and said "Its your testicles. They're putting pressure on the base of your spine which sends a pain message to your brain".
"Well what can I do?" Asked the man.
"Only one known cure, they have to come off".
The man was obviously horrified at the thought and sought a second and third opinion. They were exactly the same. Remove his testicles and the pain goes away.
The man tolerated the pain for months after that as the thought of the surgery was worse however after a particularly bad week where he was practically bedridden he decided to go through with it.
Sure enough, after the surgery, the pain was gone like a fart in a fan factory.
He still felt down about losing his boys so one day as he was walking past a fitted clothing store he thought, "I have never owned a fitted suit. Surely that will cheer me up".
He went in and was greeted by a French tailor. "Allo. Ow can I 'elp you?" In his French accent.
"I'd like a suit please." He said.
"But of course!" The tailor fussed. "Let me get your size. You are a size 57 long in zee trousers?"
"Wow. Exactly right. That's a good guess!"
"Well I 'ave been doing ziss for over Forty years. And you are a size 42 large across zee chest."
"Wow. Amazing. Exactly right again."
The tailor got the suit out and fitted it perfectly to the mans body. As he was ringing it up he asked "Would sir like some new underwear to go wiss his new zoot?"
He was feeling better so said " Yeah why not. I'm treating myself."
The tailor looked at his waist and said "I will get you some size 38's"
"Ha, gotcha. I wear size 36's!"
"Oh no no no monsieur. If you wore size 36's they would press your testicles against your spine and give you terrible headaches!"

[markus]

What's firm and hairy on the outside?

Soft and moist on the inside?

Starts with the letter C

Ends in the letter T

Clue, also contains the letters N & U

What's the word I'm looking for??





Coconut :teasing-tease:

[Doubleuj]

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?



Because they're really good at it

[warramungas]

Try this on your little kids. My 6 year old nearly wet her pants.

Why should you never give Elsa (from the movie frozen) a baloon?

Cause she'll let it go.

[Petulance]

Nope ... don't get it...

[Sam.]

I do :laughing-rolling:

[WTDist]

lol

[Woodsy71]

Frozen eh?

My mate quit Facebook 'cause he was fed up with twats posting videos of their kids/whatevers belting out shitty, retarded versions of Let it go :))

Best move he ever made :smile:

[warramungas]

Yeah. Same here about being fed up with the twats. I think it was a few years before frozen came out though. :laughing-rolling:

[wynnum1]

A man arrives in a new country, and hails a taxi at the airport. Not long into the journey, the driver runs a red light. “Excuse me, but you just ran a red light!” the passenger says. “Oh, don’t worry about it. My brother does it all the time.”

The driver then runs the next red light, and offers the same, “Don’t worry about it, my brother does it all the time.” This happens over and over until they get to a green light, and then the driver STOPS!

Exasperated, the passenger says, “I just don’t get it. You run all the red lights, and then STOP at a green light?!” To which the driver replies, “Well yes. My brother might be coming the other way.”

[RuddyCrazy]

Guy is in a bar having drinks. He walks up to the bar and says to the barman "I bet you $300 that if you put a glass at the end of the bar, that I can stand on the other end and piss into it without spilling a drop".

Barman thinks for a while then he says "ok mate, you're on!"

So the barman places a small glass on the other end of the bar. Then the guy gets up on the other end, flops it out and proceeds to piss on the bar, the customers and even the barman". He pisses everywhere BUT the glass.

The barman is in stitches at this stage from laughter.

The guy asks him "what you laughing at?" The barman, struggling to speak from laughter says "you just lost $300!"

"Well" the guy says while pointing to the back of the bar. "You see those 5 guys back there playing pool?" Barman says "yeah..."

"I just bet them $500 each that I could piss on your bar, on your customers and on you and that you'd be laughing about it."

[1 2many]

:)) keep em coming Bryan. :handgestures-thumbupleft:

[xcvator]

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven", said God.


The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Woolworths either!"

[MacStill]

Screen Shot 2016-02-16 at 12.42.17 pm.png

:clap:

[rumdidlydum]

Thats Gold :laughing-rolling:

[1 2many]

Yeah I will go with that. :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:

[1 2many]

Did you know there are more planes in the sea than there is submarines in the sky..

:O) 8-}

[1 2many]

"Several days ago as I left the Bunnings in Rocky, to walk out to my ute and was reaching into my pocket from my car keys... got that sick feeling when I didn't find them there. I desperately gave myself a personal pat down, other pockets, shirt pocket, not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into Bunnings . I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting, nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys... nope. Then it hit me, I must have left them in the ute. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside Bunnings.

My wife, Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of Bunnings and out into the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty, no ute

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the ute, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the ute, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Faye's voice.

"Kris," she barked, "I dropped you off at Bunnings on my way to the grocery store!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"

Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these coppers I have not stolen your fucking ute!"