Jokes, Time for a laugh.

[Doubleuj]

Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

[warramungas]

Two Irishmen get off a boat after immigrating to the USA during the early 1800's.
They're later sitting in a bar nursing a whiskey wondering where their going to get their money from when a man bursts in covered in blood and carrying a severed human head. He bellows "I'll give $40 for every durn injun head I get brought."
Mick and paddy ask around and indeed he's a well off rancher who hates Indians so they decide to take up the bounty.
Now Indians back then were quite hard to come by so Mick and Paddy spend weeks looking for Indians until one day they come across an old Indian coming up a trail on a donkey.
Mick and Paddy hide in a tree and wait for him to pass underneath. As he does they drop a large rock on his head killing him stone dead. After a bit of rejoicing they jump down and set to work with the grizzly task of removing the head for the bounty.
Micks down there sawing away with blood going everywhere when paddy taps him on the shoulder. "Um Mick?" He says.
"Fer fecks sake Paddy I'm busy." As he continues.
Paddy taps him again. "err Mick?"
"Look Paddy" he says as he jumps up, " I'm trying to cut this feckin head off, I'm covered head to toe in this blood, what the fecks so important????"
Paddy points to the ridge surrounding them. Mick looks and can see 50 if not a 100 Indians all around them on the ridge decked out in full warpaint.
"Jesus feckin Christ!" Says Mick. "Are you thinkin what I'm thinkin?" He asks paddy.
"yeah Mick. We're gunna be feckin rich!!"

[1 2many]

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:

[googe]

What do you call a Mexican that can't find his car?....Carlos.

[Doubleuj]

Not a joke but what actually happened this morning

My 2 yr old girl took a particular green tin out of the cupboard and said
Daughter : I want your Lo
Me: no it's milo
Daughter: Yeap your Lo
Me : no it's called milo
Daughter : Yeap your Lo
Me: no it's pronounced milo, never mind

So I made her a cup of milo and placed it in front of her and said
Me: there, that's milo
Then the tears started...
Daughter: :crying-blue: NO ITS MY LO!!!
:angry-banghead:
We'll get there eventually

[Sam.]

Lol, well once she had it is was milo (MY LO) while you had it it was your lo :laughing-rolling:

[warramungas]

Kids. Every now and then they're good for a laugh.

Sitting in the car with my wife, 3, 10 (who was usually in victoria with his mother), and 14 year old we were travelling to Rockingham to see relatives. My wife noting my cheerful mood said "somebodies very happy today. Got his three kids and his wife travelling to see his brother and sister for a Bbq."
My
daughter chimed in. "Well? Who is it?"

Oh and for a joke,
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and a 12" penis?

Partially handicapped.

[warramungas]

I had another laugh I thought I would share when I was last in Perth.
I was at the hbs picking up some bits and pieces and some sundries I use for beer and spirits and a woman plonks her full shopping basket down on the counter in front of me to buy. I'm behind her in the line.
It had a good dozen packets of turbo 8, boxes (not individual bottles) of gin, vodka and Edwards (bubblegum flavour) bourbon essences. It came to about 8 or 900 dollars worth.
When the comment from the counter came "wow. You must like this stuff." She said "Yeah, I make it for family."
That is a serious amount of piss to make! Wonder if it is made no gratis? Little bit suss from my perspective.
Wonder what her user name on aussiedistillers is? :laughing-rolling:

[Doubleuj]

Lol, well once she had it is was milo (MY LO) while you had it it was your lo :laughing-rolling:

Yeah, your right Sam, it's the innocence of a child, when it's mine it's mine.
Siblings rule:
When it's mine it's mine
When it's yours it's mine
When you want it it's mine
When you have it it's mine
When you look at it it's mine
When you find it it's mine

When it's broken, it's yours

[EziTasting]

Christmas is a close family affair for us, and we're all big people. We're tall, heavy-set and, unfortunately, somewhat voluptuous! I mean my daughter is the youngest and equally shortest with mum, @ 14 and she's just under 6 foot So this even was particularly hilarious, more so for us:

Last Christmas my family and I started sharing presents and first a little gift I received from my son had the price still on it. Th n a little off I gave my daughter had its price still on it and shortly after that, my wife's little gift to our son had its price also still in it. These are little fun gifts (wabblyheads and the like) when my son laughingly said:" it runs in the family!" Meaning the forgetting the price tags... Out of nowhere, my daughter mentions "No-one runs in this family!"

Deadly silence and then everyone bursts out laughing!

[WTDist]

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

[bluc]

lol

[warramungas]

My turn. Hopefully not too rude.
Billy and bob had been kicked out of the footy match and were sitting forlorn outside.
The half time siren sounded and everyone inside rushed for a leak but as the dunnies were quite small lots of people just put their penises through knots in the fences to pee outside.
Quick as a flash billy grabbed the nearest penis and shouted " Gimme your cash or I'll cut your cock of!!"
A handful of cash was hurriedly thrown over the fence.
Billy turned to bob and said "We're onto something here. You go that way and I'll go this way around the fence and we'll see how much we get."
Off they went trying out this new scheme and met around the other side.
Billy says "I got 350 bucks! How'd you go?"
Bob replies "Not as well. Only 120 bucks. But I've got 6 cocks!"

[Darwin award]

Kids...
When my son was about 4 we were at the local pub for a feed, whilst we were in the queue a quite elderly couple of grey nomads walked past and gave us the obligatory "how sweet" smile and went on their way. My son then said "they're really old" to which we replied, "yes they are" He then said "They'll be dead soon."

[RuddyCrazy]

Oldie but a goodie :)) :)) :))

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the 2nd day, she had two removalists come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a platter full of prawns, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten prawn shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything. Cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which time, they had to move out for a few days. In the end, they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The Maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling ecstatically as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.

[warramungas]

Niiiiice!

Happened to a mate of mine. Lol.

A bloke at work told me this true story. He was at RPH visiting his missus with his 8 year old boy. They were in an elevator when it stopped and a couple of Muslim women got in. They were dressed head to toe in that black thing they wear. He was silent, and believe me this boy could talk underwater, until they left the elevator.
He then looked up at his dad and said with awe in his voice "Dad, were they ninjas?"

[bluc]

Warra the fence joke made me rofl.. :laughing-rolling:

[Undertaker]

Sorry Brian but I have to call BS on this one........

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.

No lawyer worth his salt would have paperwork completed in an hour......... :teasing-neener:

Cheers Phil

[warramungas]

Sorry Brian but I have to call BS on this one........

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.

No lawyer worth his salt would have paperwork completed in an hour......... :teasing-neener:

Cheers Phil

Depends how much cash you give him. :))

[wynnum1]

Sorry Brian but I have to call BS on this one........

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.

No lawyer worth his salt would have paperwork completed in an hour......... :teasing-neener:

Cheers Phil

Depends how much cash you give him. :))

Have been told about how crab juice was placed in a lawyers office carpet.