Jokes, Time for a laugh.

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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby wynnum1 » Tue Jul 18, 2017 5:46 am

I was in Scotland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,

"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? FUCK NO!" He slams his pint on the bar loudly, and points out the other window.

"Y'see that bridge out there? I built that all by myself, stone by stone with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Bridge Builder? FUCK NO!" He slams his pint again.

"This very bar, I built it timber by timber with me bare hands but do they call me McGregor: The Bar Builder? FUCK NO!" He slams his pint one last time and cradles his head in his hands.



"But ya fuck one goat..."
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby warramungas » Wed Aug 02, 2017 5:38 am

A couple of blonde jokes for ya.

A blonde, sick of being ridiculed, dyes her hair black and finds she gains an amazing ability to count.
Travelling through the countryside she spies a farmer and his dogs herding a huge flock of ewes and lambs from the back of a motorbike.
She pulls over and watches a while thinking how cute the little ones were before calling the farmer over.
The farmer comes over and she says "If I can tell you how many animals are in that mob, can I take one of the little ones home?"
He thinks it an impossible task for a city slicker so he agrees knowing that he just tallied them before moving them and has the exact number in his pocket.
The woman starts counting the moving and jostling mob of animals and after a few minutes says "562 total."
The farmer is astonished. That's exactly right according to his tally so he says she can go and pick one to take home.
The woman goes and pick one up and starts heading towards her car.
The farmer holds his hand up and says "Just a minute. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

A blind man goes into a bar and orders a drink. He then announces loudly "I heard a great blonde joke. Anyone want to hear it?"
The barmaid leans over to him and says "I know you're blind so I'll give you the heads up. I'm 6 foot 2, weigh 120 kilos, work part time as a bouncer and am blonde. The lady sitting next to you is a hells angel biker chick who regularly fights blokes bigger than she is and she's blonde. The lady behind you in the corner is a professional MMA welterweight fighter and she's blonde. Do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"
The fella thinks about it for a minute mulling it over in his mind then says "Nah. Not if I'm just gunna have to explain it 3 times."
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby wynnum1 » Wed Aug 02, 2017 1:51 pm

Consultant

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”


“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.” says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? “

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.


“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business..."


"...Now give me back my dog!"
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Aussiedownunder01 » Wed Aug 02, 2017 4:45 pm

an old one but a good one
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby copperhead road » Wed Aug 02, 2017 5:20 pm

I WOULD RATHER HAVE A BOTTLE IN FRONT OF ME, THAN A FRONTAL LOBOTOMY :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby loveitfree » Fri Aug 04, 2017 4:08 am

For a laugh
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby tipsy » Fri Aug 04, 2017 11:03 pm

loveitfree wrote:For a laugh



Yes she is.......not that there's anything wrong with that. :-D
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby hillzabilly » Tue Aug 08, 2017 6:47 pm

Why is sex like a bank ?,because after you withdraw ya lose interest.cheers hillzabilly :D
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Buzz » Tue Aug 08, 2017 9:58 pm

A bloke walks into a bar with an emu and a cat and orders three beers. They take up a table and sip on their schooners till empty and the emu gets up and buys another round. After finishing off these beers the bloke approaches the bar bar to buy three more when the barman asks... you and the emu have bought your shout so why not the cat?
Well its like this, said the bloke, I was walking along the beach when I found this old, ocean worn, lamp and when I rubbed it a genie appeared and said..... for freeing me from the lamp I will grant you one wish.
So... I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy !
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Minpac » Wed Aug 09, 2017 7:21 am

Nice one Buzz :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby warramungas » Wed Aug 09, 2017 9:47 am

Buzz wrote:A bloke walks into a bar with an emu and a cat and orders three beers. They take up a table and sip on their schooners till empty and the emu gets up and buys another round. After finishing off these beers the bloke approaches the bar bar to buy three more when the barman asks... you and the emu have bought your shout so why not the cat?
Well its like this, said the bloke, I was walking along the beach when I found this old, ocean worn, lamp and when I rubbed it a genie appeared and said..... for freeing me from the lamp I will grant you one wish.
So... I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy !


Along the same lines.

Bloke walks into a bar with a shoebox, sits down and calls the barman over.
"If I show you something incredible can I drink for free?"
Barman says, "It better be incredible for free beer."
"Fair nuff" says the bloke. He open the shoebox and theres a little man inside sitting at a miniature grand piano. He blinks at the light and then seeing the keys on the piano launches into the best rendition of bachs Brandenburg concertos the barmans ever heard.
"If he keeps playing like that of course you can drink for free!" Says the barman pulling a schooner from the tap.
He hands the beer to the man and asks "How did you find him anyway?"
"Well" said the guy, "I was walking on the beach and I found an ornate glass bottle lying there. I opened it and out came a genie. One wish he said I could have."
The barman cut in "and you asked for a little guy who could play the piano?"
"What?" The guy scoffed. "You think I asked for a 12" pianist????"
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby warramungas » Wed Aug 09, 2017 9:53 am

And another genie.

Bloke finds a bottle and poof, out comes a genie.
Genie says" sorry mate I'm running low on wishes so only one for you."
Bloke thinks for a bot and says "I've always wanted to travel to Hawaii but I'm scared of flying. I wish for a highway from Sydney to Hawaii."
Genie thinks for a minute and say "look mate. That's an impossible wish. The amount of concrete and fill required for a job like that would deplete the earths resources. Not to mention the havok the tidal changes will have on the earth! Can you think of something simpler?"
Bloke thinks again and says "Ok. Women. I've never understood them. I want ot know why they cry, how to make them laugh. I wish I could understand women in general."
Genie thought for a moment and said "Did you want that highway to be 2 or 4 lanes?"
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby CyBaThUg » Wed Aug 09, 2017 7:10 pm

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road

Cuz it was stuck in a crack
Lol
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby warramungas » Fri Nov 24, 2017 5:12 am

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satan worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic?
He'd lie awake in bed all night wondering if there really was a dog.
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Fri Nov 24, 2017 6:25 am

This ones only good if you tell it aloud to others. Make sure you stumble a bit on the first two animals, then struggle completely with the last one...

A group of disabled kids go to the zoo one day.
The zoo keeper takes them to the first animal..um a tiger and asks
Who knows what this is?
It’s a tiger (said in a “disabled” voice)
CLAP CLAP FOR THE HANDICAP
Then the zoo keeper takes them to the next animal, ummm a giraffe and asks
Who knows what this is?
It’s a giraffe!
CLAP CLAP FOR THE HANDICAP!

Then they go to the third animal, umm, the umm black and white stripped horse looking thing...
Someone always shouts out Zebra...
Turn to them and say
CLAP CLAP FOR THE HANDICAP :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Magnus » Fri Nov 24, 2017 8:10 am

23905686_1513758151993664_2903538778799430793_n.jpg
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Sun Nov 26, 2017 8:58 pm

I’m really good in bed.
.
.
.
.
.
I hardly fall out anymore :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby EziTasting » Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:15 am

Hah!


Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

*The survey was a complete failure!*

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Canada, Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby warramungas » Fri Jan 19, 2018 8:17 am

A pet shop owner hears "Excuwse me mister. Do you have any widdle bunny wabbits?"
He looks around and just over the other side of the counter spots a cute little pigtailed girl no more than 5 or 6 years old.
He leans over the counter and asks "Of course sweetie. Would you wike a widdle black wabbit or a widdle white wabbit?"
She leans in closer and replies "I weally don't fink my pyfon gives a f**k."
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Fri Mar 16, 2018 7:17 pm

Thread revival!
There are 3 good things about dementia
1. Everything you say is new and interesting
2. You always meet new people
3. Everything you say is new and interesting
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