Jokes, Time for a laugh.

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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Sat May 26, 2018 9:46 pm

Sure most have seen this laurel / yanny shit on the web.


Knock knock

Whos there?

Yanny


Laurel who?
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby woodduck » Sat May 26, 2018 9:53 pm

Well I'm either too old or too young :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Sat May 26, 2018 10:53 pm

Just crawl back under your bee hive woody :laughing-rolling: :teasing-tease: :teasing-neener: :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby woodduck » Sat May 26, 2018 10:54 pm

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:
Think I just might
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby warramungas » Sun May 27, 2018 6:38 am

Sex is like a pizza. When its good, its really good.
When its bad, its still pretty good.

Love is like a fart.
If you have to push too hard its probably shit.
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby EziTasting » Sun May 27, 2018 9:22 am

:laughing-rolling:

You're a bad man Warra!
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Chief » Sun May 27, 2018 12:11 pm

Trumpy
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Sun Jul 29, 2018 8:20 am

Basic survival kit:
Bottle of water
Tin of food
Deck of cards

If lost, sit down, start playing solitaire, within 5 minutes someone will look over your shoulder and say “put the red 7 on the black 8”
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Wed Aug 08, 2018 12:25 pm

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith...

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and Out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Thu Oct 25, 2018 9:25 pm

Give a man a duck, he eats for a day...
Teach a man to duck, he avoids low flying objects for life...
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby warramungas » Fri Oct 26, 2018 5:57 am

Cant remember where I heard this. Hopefully not already posted here.

Old fellas on the train and a punk gets on and sits opposite him. This kids got an awesome bright yellow Mohawk, leather boots and jacket, nose ring. The whole nine yards.
He notices the old fella staring at him and ask jovially "What's up old fella? Never done anything wild in your lifetime?"
The old guy drawls "Well when I was a younger fella I f*cked a cockatoo once. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby EziTasting » Fri Oct 26, 2018 8:15 am

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby bluc » Fri Oct 26, 2018 11:33 am

lol warra :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby shortcut » Sat Oct 27, 2018 8:25 am

A guy worked in a pickle factory.
He developed an obsession with putting his Willy in the pickle slicer. It was all he thought about, day and night.
He told his wife, she sent him to a head doctor.
The guy said,” I know I shouldn’t but I must put my Willy in the pickle slicer”.
The quack said,” try to think about something else, have a couple of days off work, go fishing etc”.
“Come back and see me in a week”
The guy had some days off and tried to take his mind off putting his Willy in the pickle slicer........but he couldn’t.
In fact his obsession was even worse.

The guy was at the docs a week later looking a lot happier.
The guy said “ I did it,I put my Willy in the pickle slicer.
Doc said “oh my god, show me your Willy”
The guy flopped it out but it looked fine.
Doc said “ mate you are so lucky, what happened “
Guy said, “ I was back at work going crazy all morning then,when everyone at the factory went to lunch..I just did it”
He went on, “ I got fired of course, the pickle slicer also got fired and her husband is really pissed off”.
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby The Stig » Tue Nov 20, 2018 6:57 am

IDIOT SIGHTING.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...this happened in Ipswich, Qld
IDIOT SIGHTING.

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.....

IDIOT SIGHTING.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING.

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in ATO Newcastle NSW AU.

IDIOT SIGHTING.

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

HAHAHAHAHAHA
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby EziTasting » Tue Nov 20, 2018 8:00 pm

Oh brother!
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby warramungas » Wed Nov 21, 2018 4:37 am

Hear about the Irishman who locked his keys in his car?

Took him an hour and a half to get his wife and kids out.
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Mon Dec 24, 2018 6:32 am

The kids told me they want a cat for Christmas
I thought it was weird because we normally have turkey but if they want cat then that’s what they’ll get
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Sam. » Mon Dec 24, 2018 7:30 am

Doubleuj wrote:The kids told me they want a cat for Christmas
I thought it was weird because we normally have turkey but if they want cat then that’s what they’ll get


:laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby hillzabilly » Mon Dec 24, 2018 6:42 pm

Doubleuj wrote:The kids told me they want a cat for Christmas
I thought it was weird because we normally have turkey but if they want cat then that’s what they’ll get

Yeh I like cats too but I couldn't eat a whole one. :laughing-rolling: cheers hillzabilly
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