Jokes, Time for a laugh.

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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Yonder » Tue Dec 25, 2018 4:31 pm

I gotta tell ya i really love cats. They're so hard ta hit on that first shot. :teasing-neener:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby EziTasting » Sun Mar 10, 2019 8:27 pm

Haha my father told me that they called them ‘Roof-Rabbit’ in the war... :laughing-rolling:

Anyway, the fortune-teller called and said she could tell me my fortune, I just told her to save us both some time and send it to me... she hung up on me. :wtf: guess she didn’t see it coming...
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby EziTasting » Tue Jul 30, 2019 11:16 pm

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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby fishfingers » Fri Aug 30, 2019 9:08 am

Hi All
Long time reader first time poster

A English backpacker walks into an outback pub, tired, thirsty and frustrated.
He has been walking for a few days in the searing heat and no one even looked like they were going to stop and pick him up.
He heads over to the bar and pulls out his last $20 and asks the barman for a cold beer.
The barman pours his beer and gives him his $10 change.
The backpacker as he starts to cool down looks around at everything on the walls and notices a huge glass jar behind the bar on the shelf absolutely chockers with $10 notes.
When half way through his cleansing ale he asks the barman
What is that jar doing on the shelf full of $10 notes and what's it for?
The barman replies, Its the bet jar.
Back packer cant help but to ask, so what's the bet?
Well says the barman, you put your $10 in the jar and see that 4lt glass jug next to it. Its filled with home made 60% peppered Tequila. You skull the Tequila straight without stopping or spilling any. You cant say a word. Then you walk out through the back door and on the chain we have a pit bull terrier cross rottweiler that's had an infected tooth for 4 years.
You have to remove its infected tooth.
Then you walk back inside and upstairs where there is a lovely 90 year old lady that has never had an orgasm in her life and would love to experience one before she passes over to the other side.
Once those 3 things have been done the money is all yours.
Having finished his beer, he is still mighty thirsty and thinks, well for $10 I can get pissed at least and with that he pulls out his last $10 and asks to put it into the jar.
He grabs the bottle of Tequila and skulls the whole 4lts without spilling a drop or making a sound.
Wiping hot tears from his eyes he staggers out the back door where the silence is broken by savage growling, barking and blood curling screams. After 10 minutes it goes silent.
With the barman walking towards the door it suddenly flies open and there stands the backpacker with clothes shredded, puncture wounds and scratches all over his body with blood oozing out.
He looks to the barman and says, Right now where is this woman that wants her tooth removed.
:obscene-drinkingchug: :obscene-drinkingchug: :obscene-drinkingchug:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby fishfingers » Fri Aug 30, 2019 9:34 am

Little Johnny is an orphan and is being looked after by some nuns at a convent until a suitable family can be found.
The nuns take Johnny to church everyday and let him race around the outside of the church on his 3 wheeled bike.
On this day the nuns have woken up to themselves and realised that he is a ball of energy and they really need to wear him out before they take him back to the convent for some lunch and a peaceful sleep.
The 3 nuns come out of the church and say to him , Johnny do a few more laps around the church before we go back to the convent.
With that the 3 nuns split up and all go to a corner of the building.
Johnny starts to race around the building and is stopped by one of he nuns. She says, Johnny you are going awfully fast have you got a licence to go that quick?
With that Johnny says sure and pulls out a lollie paper and says is that good enough for you?
The nun smiles and says, alright Johnny that will do off you go but be careful.
Johnny races as fast as he can along the side of the building only to be stopped by another nun at the next corner.
She says, Johnny that is a great looking bike you have there and you are riding it very quickly, do you have insurance papers?
Johnny pulls out another lollie paper and shows it to the nun and says, is this good enough for you?
The nun smiles and says, yes Johnny now off you go and be careful.
Once again Johnny turns the corner and races along the side of the building as fast as he can until the third nun stops him.
The nun says Johnny you turned around that corner way too quickly without looking, I need your licence and insurance papers please.
Johnny now frustrated pulls the lollie papers out and shows her them both. He asks is that good enough for you penguin?
The nun although a little annoyed smiles and says yes Johnny I will let you off with a warning this time but please be more careful.
Johnny now starts to race off but stops at the corner, looks around the corner, sees a priest and starts to quietly back pedal.
The nun is a bit puzzled by this and goes up to Johnny and asks, Why did you stop Johnny?
Johnny replies, its a breathalyser!
:law-policered: :law-policered: :law-policered:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby EziTasting » Sun Sep 01, 2019 11:29 am

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:

Back-packer!!!

:laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling: :laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby The Stig » Sun Sep 22, 2019 2:44 pm

:laughing-rolling:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby bluc » Sun Sep 22, 2019 4:02 pm

:text-lol:
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby EziTasting » Sun Sep 22, 2019 6:11 pm

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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Tue Nov 26, 2019 7:38 am

A reporter is interviewing a husband on his 50th wedding anniversary

Husband: the secret to a lasting relationship is you have to do things for your wife, for example on our 25th anniversary I took her to Italy

Reporter: wow, and what are you going to do for your 50th?

Husband: I’m going back to pick her up
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby hnhupi » Wed Nov 27, 2019 5:30 pm

Heard about the penguin with car trouble?

A penguin pulls into a car shop with some car trouble. The mechanic looks at the car and says it'll be about an hour. So the penguin says "Okay" and looks across the street to see an ice cream shop.

Well obviously penguins love ice cream. One thing about penguins though is they don't have thumbs so when he eats it he gets ice cream all over him. After about an hour he heads back over to the shop.

He steps up to the mechanic and asks, "what's wrong with it?"

The mechanic looks at him, back at the car, and back at him and says "Well it looks like you blew a seal!"

The penguin looks surprised and exclaims "No, no! It's just Ice cream I swear!"
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Bryan1 » Thu Nov 28, 2019 4:57 pm

Two irish men are looking at a catalog and Paddy says eh Mick take a look at thse great looking gals, so Mick goes for a look and says I'm ordering one of them right now. So 3 weeks go past and Paddy asks Mick if his woman has arrived where Mick replies well it won't be long now her clothes arrived yesterday....
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby bluc » Thu Nov 28, 2019 6:07 pm

Lol Bryan1...
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby The Stig » Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:25 pm

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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby db1979 » Wed Jan 15, 2020 6:08 am

:))
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Doubleuj » Sat Feb 22, 2020 8:48 pm

A little weekend humor

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again.

The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby bluc » Sat Feb 22, 2020 9:30 pm

Lmfao
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby Bryan1 » Thu Mar 26, 2020 7:06 pm

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct'', says the manager, now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby bluc » Thu Mar 26, 2020 7:28 pm

EziTasting wrote:Haha my father told me that they called them ‘Roof-Rabbit’ in the war...

Screenshot_20200326-192651_Chrome.jpg
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Re: Jokes, Time for a laugh.

Postby wynnum1 » Fri Mar 27, 2020 9:54 am

bluc wrote:
EziTasting wrote:Haha my father told me that they called them ‘Roof-Rabbit’ in the war...

Screenshot_20200326-192651_Chrome.jpg

Is that what they fed the guard dogs on.
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